Today I have been really struggling. I felt on the verge of tears all day. It was not until tonight that I understood why. And what has led me back to this all but forgotten blog.
Pinterest. What an incredible site. So many awesome tips and ideas. So many memories rekindled. As my girls were growing up, something that always meant a lot to me, was to give them memories that were special. To go the extra mile in creating special times. Every year, I made made them costumes to enter the Fancy Dress Competition at the bay. (For those in practically every other country, this was a costume parade at our local Christmas Carnival. We were never into Halloween, and at the time, it was still pretty small in New Zealand anyway). There birthdays were always pretty elaborate. There were fancy cakes I made myself, themes that somehow related to that child's life at the time. From Little House on the Prairie for Sara who loved the books so much she insisted to calling us Mama and Papa, to Renata's Medieval party complete with a Medieval Museum in the playhouse and activities like pillow jousting. From Bryanna's Wiggles Party that had food to match all the different Wiggles songs, to the 3 different Winnie the Pooh parties (Pooh Bear for Bryanna, Tigger for Christiana, and Eyeore for Renata). And one that really choked me up today, looking at quiet book ideas, was the homemade felt book I made for Renata well before the term Quiet Book was plastered all over Pinterest.
I saw so many ideas today of things I would love to have made them. But they are grown up now. My babies are not my babies any more. But, they are not the adults I thought they would be either. Don't get me wrong. I love them, and I am proud of them. But I miss the closeness of spirit I always thought we would have. I looked forward to the day when they would be adults, and we would have heaps of happy memories to share, and heaps of things in common. Instead, the one thing I was so sure of, the one thing that mattered more than anything else, the only thing I was supposed to get absolutely right, was the imparting of my faith. I think a couple of them still believe in God. I know some of them don't. None of them are really followings Him. But then, neither am I really.
I was always so sure I would not lose my faith. That if nothing else I was too darn stubborn to walk away. But I am left questioning, why, when I only ever wanted to serve God in my capacity of the mother of the children He entrusted to me, why, oh why, did I get it so wrong?! He knew my heart. He knew I wanted to follow Him, not man. And yet where was He when I was stumbling through messing it up? Why didn't He stop me? Well, at least, why didn't He stop me sooner? I wasn't trying to be holier than anyone else. I wasn't trying to fit in with the crowd I was mixing with. I just wanted to follow the truth. We questioned many aspects of the faith over the years. Rejecting many doctrines we were taught. Why did we still not see? Where was God when we were asking for direction? Is He even there at all?
I have lost my faith. But I don't want to lose God. But how do I separate the truth from the lies? Am I holding on to false doctrines? Or is the truth still there, in the words of the Bible? I miss the days when I was so sure. I may have been wrong. But there was comfort in fully believing in something. Some if the Quiet Book ideas on Pinterest were exactly what I would have whole heartedly made when the girls were little. But now, I wonder what would be the point in doing them for Samara. There are so many other things she struggles to learn. And while a relationship with God would have been top priority in the past, now I am left wondering how much good that did for my other girls. Maybe it is safer to stick to colours, shapes and numbers. But then I feel sad. And I feel guilty. Because if God is God. If He is the God I have always believed in, then despite my anger, confusion, and grief, I still owe Him my everything. If He is real, I need Him to lift me out if this pit. Not just me. But my 7 beautiful daughters as well. I love them so much, and it hurts to be separated on the issue of faith. Because what we believe is at the core of who we are.
May God have mercy on us all.
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